Won't somebody think of the children?

Like most people I believe that the ideal situation for a child is when their parents can get along and be together. However, 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce, making this a tough reality for many kids.

I have a relatively unusual situation, or so I've been told. I have lived with my stepson since he was 2 (and I was 21), he is at our house full-time, and both my husband and I get along with his mother to the point that we do birthday parties together, she has given me permission to participate fully in his education, and we have conversations on a regular basis (not just about him). People have always told me that my situation is 'strange', but I didn't know the extent of it until recently: until I was horrified by a 'typical' example of a split family.

That being said, being a stepmom is the most difficult job in the world, I'm certain. I can totally sympathize with the crazies out there! Raising someone else's child, no matter how much freedom you're given to do it your way, is an emotional rollercoaster. At the same time, I could not image, as a mother (which I'm not), watching my child have a mother-son relationship with another woman. I give kudos to my baby-mama for making it work from that side of things.

Why do we get along? Because we have 1 thing in common: we love this child more than anything else in the world, and that's all that matters. We would do anything for this child, and that includes getting along (plus in my case she's nice, but that's irrelevant).

So, here are some tips for making your situation better for your child in a split-parent situation:

• Realize that you don't control the time they spend with the other parent, or the relationships they develop during that time. Respect that these are still important parts of your child's life, and take an active interest in them as you would with any other part of their life. 
• Don't say mean things about the other parent in front of the child, in ear-shot of the child, or when the child is laying in bed waiting to fall asleep. Also, don't insult anything that belongs to the other parent or associated with the other parent. Children have an instinct to protect the integrity of both parents and they will become hurt on behalf of the parent who's being demeaned. This is an internal dilemma that children shouldn't have to deal with.
• Get together as a whole family. That's right, you are a still a family with your ex. Your ex's new spouse is now part of your family. Go on an outing all together, perhaps out for dinner, or develop a family tradition of some sort to give your child a venue to hang with everyone together...and happy. Although this may be an event that you will dread, it will be so special to your child to have all the people they love most together in one place. Those of us whose parents stayed together take for granted that we had this type of event every night at the dinner table.
• In your child's eyes, their new 'step-brothers' and 'step-sisters' are just brothers and sisters, and you need to respect that. Invite them to your child's birthday parties, find out when their birthdays are and celebrate those events in some way (with a card or something).
• Be gentle. Just as you don't expose your child to the cruel and unusual realities of the world, don't expose them to the inner-workings of your relationship with their other parent. Children need to feel like both of their parents love them always, so make them feel like this no matter what.

At the end of the day, we're just parents. What we think/feel/want comes last always, why should this be any different?